Forgive Me
by AngelicCakes
Summary: Harry is alone and he wants to stay that way. But someone else wants to come into his life. Rated R for slash and other mature themes. Please read and review
1. Back to Hogwarts

Disclaimer : JK owns it. Not me! I'm not making any money from this so just leave me alone and go pester someone else!  
  
NOTE : This fic will contain slash, that is male/male relationships. It will also have mature themes. It is rated R for a reason. Please don't send any flames. I do welcome constructive criticism as I want to make my fic the best it can be.  
  
And so.on with the story (  
  
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Chapter 1 : Back to Hogwarts  
  
Harry sat quietly on his bed at 4 Privet Drive. It was the morning that he was to return to Hogwarts for his 6th year. And yet he found himself wishing for the first time that he could stay at the Dursley's.  
  
All summer they had hardly shouted at Harry once. In fact they had completely ignored him. He was still made to do odd chores around the house but he did not mind. Anything to keep his mind occupied. When Harry was not doing chores he sat quietly in his room reading or finishing off homework.  
  
Hedwig was allowed out of her cage some nights and so she no longer made so much noise. Harry liked the quietness. He liked to be alone.  
  
He was still in Dudley's old spare bedroom but this year it felt more like a home. He had put up posters of the Chudley Cannons and his desk was full of books and letters. Ron and Hermione had sent him many letters over the summer. They were worried about Harry. They only received very short replies and Harry had also turned down an offer to go to the Burrow for the last 2 weeks of the holidays.  
  
Harry hadn't seen his friends for the whole of the summer. He had made the journey to Diagon Alley by himself early in the holidays. Normally Harry would have gone with Hermione and Ron but this year was different. This year he didn't want to face them. He wanted to keep to himself. He wanted to be alone.  
  
And he was alone. He had no family left now. No-one he could turn to. He had made sure of that. He still blamed himself for that fateful night at the ministry and he could not live with the guilt. He hated himself and he was sure that everyone else did too.  
  
Hermione and Ron wouldn't be the same after what happened to them and Harry didn't know where to begin with all the trouble he had caused everyone else. Many times he had thought of giving up the fight and giving himself up to Voldemort. He even had a letter written that he had never got round to sending asking Voldemort to take him away and to end the fightning.  
  
Other times Harry had tried to end the pain of losing Sirius by creating another sort of pain to divert his attention. His wrists were laden with scars and the memory of when everything got too much would always stay with him by the large scar that ran along his stomach.  
  
He was ashamed of himself but he could not find any other way to deal with the pain he was feeling inside.  
  
He didn't want to go back to Hogwarts because the memories he had tried so hard to repress would be brought back to the surface all too soon. Harry didn't want to have to share his grief with the rest of the Common Room. He wanted to be by himself, alone.  
  
"Come on boy I don't want to be kept waiting. Move it!" Uncle Vernon's loud yell woke Harry from his daydream and he swept the last of his books into his trunk and began to carry it as best he could down the stairs. He would have to come back for Hedwig.  
  
"Coming Uncle Vernon," sighed Harry.  
  
He put his trunk in the boot and ran up the stairs to get Hedwig. He took one last look at his room, closed the door and set off down the stairs and back to Hogwarts.  
  
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Please review and tell me what you think! I'm gonna have to do a few background chapters first before I can get to any relationship stuff but I hope that you like it. Oh yeah.I'm looking for a beta *grins* 


	2. How things change

Disclaimer : JK owns it. Not me! I'm not making any money from this so just leave me alone and go pester someone else!  
  
NOTE : This fic will contain slash, that is male/male relationships. It will also have mature themes. It is rated R for a reason. Please don't send any flames. I do welcome constructive criticism as I want to make my fic the best it can be.  
  
And so.on with the story ",  
  
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buChapter 2 : How things change/b/u  
  
Harry sat alone on the train looking out of the window. He had deliberately chosen a compartment at the end of the train, away from most of the hustle and bustle. He wanted to be alone and to have some time to think.  
  
A niggling feeling at the back of his mind told him that he needed to be around people, that he needed to take his mind off things, that he needed some help. He ignored it. He didn't want that to be the case.  
  
After all he was the boy who lived. He was the hero of the wizarding world. Surely if he could save the world from Voldemort several times Harry Potter could get over a bout of depression by himself. He saw letting other people in as a sign of weakness and now, he knew, was not a time to be weak.  
  
The war was approaching. Voldemort had risen and was going to stop at nothing to gain control of the entire wizarding world. Harry was the one who was expected to stop him. Everyone else believed in him, so why didn't he believe in himself?  
  
Harry watched as families waved their children onto the train. He briefly caught sight of a mop of red hair. He looked away. He couldn't face Ron. He especially couldn't face Hermione. Not after what he let happen to her. He wondered if she would ever be the same again.  
  
He pulled his knees to his chest and sat, curled in a small ball in the corner of his cabin. His head rested a top his knees. He would not let himself cry. Not here. Not in front of people. He was stronger than that. He couldn't let them see his weakness.  
  
IYou know it's your fault. They won't forgive you. Why should they? You were meant to save them. You were meant to protect them. You were meant to protect them all. But you couldn't. You failed them. You failed your friends and you failed Sirius. How could you Harry?/I  
  
It was this voice inside his head that broke him. It had been there all summer. Reminding him. Torturing him. He closed his eyes as he felt his eyes grow hot. He tried to hold back the tears. It was impossible. A single tear made it's way slowly down his left cheek.  
  
He wiped it away with his sleeve, took a few deep breaths and sat up. He would not let himself cry. He had to keep it inside. Bury it deep down. He needed to forget.  
  
But that voice would not let him.  
  
IYou don't deserve the friends you have. They pity you. They don't admire you. Not anymore. They feel it's their duty to be your friend. They don't want to be. They hate you Harry. They hate you/I  
  
"Shut up, Just shut up and leave me alone." Harry let his head fall back against the seat and he felt sleep surround him. His eyes closed and he fell into a dreamless sleep.  
  
~  
  
"Harry? Harry.wake up."  
  
Harry heard the all too familiar voice. He desperately wanted to keep his eyes closed. To block it out. He tried.  
  
"Come on Harry I know your faking. Harry. For crying out loud Harry wake up!"  
  
Harry felt himself being pushed off the seat. That was it, he had to wake up now. He couldn't fake it anymore.  
  
Slowly he opened his eyes hoping that he was wrong but as the familiar red hair and freckles came into view he knew that it was no mistake.  
  
"Hey mate we've been looking for ya for ages! Got really worried when ya weren't on the platform! Should of listened to Hermione though"  
  
And the sound of her name Hermione came into view. Her bushy hair was still bushy. Her teeth still stuck out a little. And she still had a smile on her face.  
  
"Hey there! Occulus Reparo! You still haven't got the hang of that one I see!"  
  
Harry hadn't even noticed that his glasses had broken when he had fallen of the seat. He had been too busy trying to avoid the gaze of his two best friends.  
  
He sat back up on the seat.  
  
"Thanks," he whispered. He returned to looking out the window, not making eye contact with either Ron or Hermione.  
  
"Harry. What's the matter with you? We hardly hear from you all summer, you don't come to the burrow and we didn't see you in Diagon Alley either. And now you won't even look us in the eye? What's the matter?"  
  
Hermione sat next to Harry, her hand rested on his shoulder. Harry pulled away and moved closer to the window.  
  
"I've been busy."  
  
"Doing what? Working for those idiot relatives of yours? Being their slave for the whole of the summer?" Ron checked himself as a new idea rolled into his mind. "Harry.did they hurt you? They didn't keep you locked up again did they? God if they did I'll.I'll."  
  
Hermione stood to try and clam Ron. However, at the same time she looked at Harry with searching eyes. She wanted to know as badly as Ron did what was wrong with Harry, but she knew that Harry wasn't going to tell them. Not yet anyway.  
  
"Come on Ron I think Harry wants a little bit of peace for a while. We'll see him at the feast. See you later Harry," she leaned close into his ear "I'm here if you need to talk, about anything, ever."  
  
Harry smiled slightly. "Bye guys."  
  
"See ya later mate." And with that Ron and Hermione left Harry who was still looking blankly out of the window.  
  
From their short conversation Harry knew two things. One that Hermione understood and would be there for him. She was genuine. The other was that Ron would never understand and Harry knew that their friendship would never be the same again. Harry didn't think that he could stand that.  
  
IDidn't you see the look in his eyes? He doesn't trust you. He doesn't want to be around you. He hates you. He should. You let him down./I  
  
He needed to think some more. He didn't want to lose Ron but in his mind he could see no other option. He needed to push Ron away. He laid his head against the glass and listened to the rattle of the train as it hurtled along the countryside towards Hogwarts.  
  
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Well there we go! That's chapter 2! Thank you to all who reviewed. Please tell me what you thought. Is it too long and not enough really going on? This is my first proper fic so please tell me the truth. I do welcome criticism especially if you find something confusing or out of character. I tend to write quite fast and I don't really read it over properly so please do pick me up on anything that you see wrong! Thank you :)  
  
I am going to try and post quite a few chapters in the next few days to get the story going but after that I think it will go down to one a week.  
  
I'm a bit stuck right now on one thing so please tell me your opinion. Should Ron stay in the story or fade him out? What do you think? Review and tell me!  
  
Thanx Angel xxx 


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